I remember pondering this is high school, and thinking I had never thought that about any person in my life, how would I ever come to feel this way for my future wife. Somewhere around there I decided I had better get a plan B formed - since plan A seemed bleak.
Since I'm the author of this here article, I make no apologies for my perspective. If you feel differently about this stuff, you're wrong. No apologies, just honesty.
I remember the very first girl I felt attracted to. This happened in 2nd grade, and her name was Alicia Norris. I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen, she made me super nervous - and I could barely talk to her without looking straight down at the ground. That day I had little knowledge about just how much of my future would be devoted to thinking about, talking to, talking about, looking at, trying not to look at, and worrying about girls, ladies and women.
Discipleship leaders would tell us to not worry, everyone that wants to get married will get married. They would tell us to focus on school, cars, fishing... whatever else might get our attention diverted from the pretty girls we went to church with, school with, saw at the mall... they were everywhere. All of us guys knew the leaders just didn't understand, they were all old men that didn't know what it was like to be young and full of testosterone, trying to impress our lady friends so they would notice us and let us hold their hands and kiss them.
All in all my journey from that point to marriage was fairly smooth. I dated a girl in high school that ended up to be dating another boy at the same time and that pretty much made me decide to leave girls alone till college. Once I was in college, I lived with 7 other guys - I studied engineering, and the girls I did have time to date didn't seem to want the same things in life that I did. I knew I wanted a wife that wanted to be a wife and a mom most in life, the girls I ended up dating would tell me they wanted to be doctors, art museum curators, aerodynamic engineers and chemists. I knew I wanted a family, and my wife would have to want to be a mom. I wanted my kids to have a mom at home - and a lawyer or doctor wife would have a hard time fitting the bill.
I had other criteria, but all this other criteria bowed to the most important criteria of all - I wanted a girl that I was extremely attracted to... and I wanted a girl that I felt I had won. I remember hearing a distinguished speaker once say that of all the things he had accomplished in life, the one thing he was most proud of was wooing and winning the heart of his wife. When I heard that man say that - I knew I wanted that to be true for me as well.
That started a theory in my head, I call it the "dead deer" theory. It didn't become fully realized till I was married, but I'll share it now because it fits. When a man hunts, he does not want to go to his back yard, pull out his mighty man rifle and shoot at a deer that is taking a nap 10 feet away. A man wants to hunt for his deer, a man wants to chase a fast strong deer through the woods - lose sweat, tears and blood... maybe even break a limb and lose a couple toes to the hunt, then through his might and skill somehow manage to fall out of a tree on to a mighty stag running at full speed with a dull bowie knife take that 32 point beast down - cook it right there, and celebrate the mighty hunt with all of his cave buddies that just witnessed the most incredible exhibition of what a hunter can possibly do. "For another example see the hunt scene in "Last of the Mohicans")
So saying that, I think most women and maybe even men don't understand that you can't have that story without playing the game. A man or woman can become a dead deer with time... you get tired of being chased or chasing, and you just want to take a shortcut... get on some website, find the perfect match and go make yourself happy. You can do that, but you have to sacrifice that awesome chase... the most awesome chase you will ever accomplish, chasing that pretty wife and being stabbed in the heart, then relentlessly pursuing and romancing her till she finally tells you you've won her heart.
So far we've covered only two things, the girl should be beautiful... so much so that all your friends see her, see you - and wonder how much money you must have. The girl must not "need" you initially, you need to hunt her down - and she has to be completely content without you... not to mention you have to be completely content alone before you're ready to be content with someone else. Marriage doesn't fix anything... you and that woman will still be exactly the same broken people after marriage that you were before. So fix yourself before you sign up to put together a marriage.
These are barriers to relationship - things just won't go beyond these not working out. Beyond this, for me - the most important thing is finding a woman that loves God more than she loves me or anyone else, if I find a woman that is obedient to God and loves Jesus more than I think I do, then I know I have my work cut out for me to spiritually lead this woman. I'll be challenged for my entire life keeping in front of her spiritual maturity and remaining the spiritual leader in the household.
I don't think it's crucial that the girl has exactly the same theology - as long as all major "salvation" issues are covered and you can physically stand the idea of going to their church... marriage will settle some of the smaller worship tastes and smaller issues. There are already so few girls that love Jesus and are beautiful and are not dead deer to weed any more out by making sure they are exactly the same Christian denomination that you happen to be.
For me - after these qualifications were met, all I was looking for was a woman that I felt at home with, that I was comfortable just being quiet with - because I reasoned over a 60 year marriage there would be points where we just wouldn't have stuff to say... so I wanted to feel comfortable just being with her.
Sure, it looks like I don't have many qualifications... not nearly as many as the "list" Jon and I made up in high school had. But more than what I was looking for, I think what helped me decide to walk away from more girls than that what I "was" looking for was what I "wasn't" looking for.
Most girls I dated would do things in less than a week that shot a flare up over my head and yelled at me to run away. Sometimes it wasn't a flare, but maybe just a small whisper saying, this just isn't right - I envisioned my future with several of these women as living with a constant dripping faucet.
I always thought I would just "know" when I met the right one. Eventually I started to think that I wouldn't, and I would just have to choose one. I now think that would have been the single worst decision (cut corner) I could have made. I know for me, I just needed to feel right about it.
So when I met Ashley - I finally felt that feeling, after I had chased her, she dumped me once (made sure I knew she was no dead deer and she wasn't finished running), I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out again, we dated for 6 months - she was just right for me. I felt at home with her, I knew I wanted to see her face every morning... in fact not only that, but I knew if I didn't marry this woman I would be thinking about her and comparing every girl after her to her till the day I died. I remember after she dumped me the first time thinking about how I had gotten over so many girls prior to this... and I knew none of that would work anymore, it was time for plan B... I should pack up the jeep, and head for the mountains - because I would never be happy with any other woman after I had spent a few months getting to know who she was and those feelings grew very quickly. She was perfect for me, she was what I had always been looking for and praying for - and I would not be happy with anything else.
It would be like eating a perfectly cooked steak, sweet potato and blue moon with a juicy slice of orange in it... then going home and on the way home ordering a cheeseburger and a flat coke from mcdonalds and washing that wonderful meal out of your life forever.
That's how I knew when I had found my wife.
